It is that time of year again, the ending of summer and all those adventures and trips with friends and family coming to a close, for the beginning of a new school year to start. Everyone's running back & forth, getting everything ready... But for me this year is unplanned, No class schedule, or homework assignments to finish. I have nothing but dreams. Dreams that have yet to become reality.
Recently one of my friends posted this on her blog: If Your Dream Don't Scare You. "If your dreams don’t scare you than they are not big enough." It really made me stop and think. My dreams do scare me. But only because I'm scared that they won't happen, and that I will look back and be disappointed in my choices. I am not even sure that my dreams are the kind that can come true, they're more make-believe than reality. High expectations that seem to come crashing down, because I don't help myself to get them or don't try hard enough. I guess I expected them to be handed to me, but you have to earn them. You have to work for your dreams, you can have help, but don't make someone else accomplish it for you.
My dream right now is college. In my mind I have painted the picture of a 'perfect college experience.' (Living in a dorm, making A's or B's in class, attending Football games, dances, etc..) I believe the reason I have this 'picture' is because of my High school experience. I was homeschooled and so I didn't even get the 'normal' High School experience, at least in my mind I didn't. But seriously what is normal? There are now thousands of homeschoolers out there, there is no 'normal!' Almost three weeks ago I was asked if I could go back and change anything in my life, what would it be? My answer was quick and not thought out: High School. Yes, there are tons of things I would do differently. I could name dozens of them! But everything happens for a reason, and changing one little thing could mean life right now could be so different. And although I would love to change many things from the first half of High School, (Okay, the second half too!) I love so many things about right now, that wouldn't have happened without them!
It is hard to watch all my friends move into dorms and start the next part in their lives. I am happy for them, I just wish that I could join in that happiness. Right now I am confused. Confused about what I should do. Confused about where I should go. If I follow the picture in my mind, I'll end up at some University for four years, then afterward with a lot of debt to be paid off. Or I could start with community college, stay a home a few more years, save some money. I want to follow my heart, but I don't know what it's trying to tell me. (Or what I'm trying to tell myself.) But what ever the outcome maybe, I know the Lord will guide me there.
XOXO,
Suzanne Marie
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